13th & Jackson

[Dano]

I'm standing by the copy machine, staring out the window at the rain as it washes away the grime on the parking lot. My city is crying, and I feel like crying with it.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

I see an old man who looks like Santa but probably smells like Blitzen walking towards the door. I shake my head at him and point at the sign.

"We will be closed from 10pm to 5 am for cleaning. Thank You."

He looks from me to the sign and back again. I see him mouth the word 'coffee'. I shake my head and smile sympathetically. He frowns and turns back into the rain, burying himself deeper in his coat.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

A few cars roll by, slowing down, but since the outside lights are off, they get the hint and keep going. A police cruiser drives through slowly, and I wave to let him know things are all right. Except I'm lying.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

A young black man in a white t-shirt approaches. He's soaked to the bone and shivering in the cold drizzle. He tries the door, to no avail. I shake my head at him and point to the sign. He yells, "I need phone change so I can call a cab!" I shake my head and turn away. I feel really bad, but I just can't open the door. He turns away and starts walking to the next nearest open store, 10 blocks away.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

I go back through the cooler to the loading dock. I grab a soda on the way and promise myself I'll pay for it later. I start rummaging around, cleaning up, keeping myself busy. I toss a plastic shell that holds soda bottles across the room, and it hits the garage door.

I'm suddenly gripped by the need to throw the shell through the door. I walk over and pick it up. I take a step back and throw it as hard as I can at the door. It's a paperboard door, and it breaks. But, there's too much metal on it to make a hole big enough for it to go all the way through.

I pick it up again and hurl it, making another hole. Again and again, getting more and more worked up, needing desperately to throw it through and destroy this door. I need to get through, I need to break down this barrier. Eventually, I get so frustrated I start kicking at the carboard boxes and trash bags around me, occassionally popping one open and spilling it's contents on the floor.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

After a while, I hear the unmistakable sound of a key rapping against the glass of the front door. The catering lady is here to do the early morning orders.

I walk to the mirror to straighten my tie, and notice that I'm bleeding from a cut right above my eye. It's spattered onto my glasses and dripped down onto my shirt. Something must have hit me. I yank my tie off and unbutton my shirt, pulling it out of my pants and off. I stand there in my t-shirt, bleeding, listening to the rap rap rap of a key on the front door.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

I walk through the store to the front door and let her in. She tries to talk to me, asking me what happened, but I just lock up again and go to the back to clean up. I wash up and put a bandage on my wound, then sit in the office for about an hour, calming down and thinking.

I look at the clock and realize I've got to open up in an hour. I exit the office and grab my jacket, putting it on while I walk to the door. I tell the catering lady that I've got to go home and grab another shirt before we open, and I'll be right back.

I'm at 13th & Jackson, and I need someone to take me home.

[Branflakes]

Wow. I don't know what else to say. Wow.

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Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one called "brain".
Crazy A says I'm the Butch.
Where is my strength, compared to yours?
"See that star...the one shining brighter than all the others? I know the girl who hung it there."

[jones]

definitely cool. what makes me so sure this is from life? (probably the excellent writing -- duh!)

i don't know why, but i think you should change the wording of the refrain in one or two places -- not a lot, just a little. that's just me though. i'd offer editorial suggestions to f. scott fitzgerald.

anyway, this is certainly one for the books. you should append it to all stories are true or write a bunch more like this and make another book out of them.

okay, i just read it again, and i saw something i missed the first time because i already know you work in a convenience store (or something like that). first you're standing by a copy machine, which might make people think this takes place in a copy shop. but people are coming up and asking for coffee. i'm not saying you should put in something blatant like "this happens in a convenience store that has a copier" -- just that you might try dropping an image or two in the first paragraph that lets the reader know where this happens. not a big deal though. don't do it if you think it would interrupt the rhythm (the thing's definitely got rhythm -- kinda jazzy if i may say so).

take care

---jones

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"teen-age fan club"
new chapters in Works & Days
a punk rock romance in words, music & art
http://www.freehomepages.com/worksanddays

[Miral]

What can I say that hasn't already been said...ummmmmm.....you have a huge fan

[Chilimuffin]

sweet.... I love the repetition, but I agree with jones on the potential of variating by one word here or there. however, the way you use it is really powerful, and makes the whole piece seem much more intense. nice nice nice....

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"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz

[NecroFlash]

hm... trying to decide whether to give you a hug or congratulate you on excellent writing...

maybe i'll just do both...

i like it a lot, very powerful....
yeah, change the repition a bit, it might work better that way, or don't use it as often, cause then it starts to get washed out....

also in "Eventually, I get so frustrated...." scratch the eventually... it really bugs me for some reason... oob

other than that, i like it a lot... oob

[neomel]

i like it ... but the bastard should of opened the damn door and helped those people

the mel

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i dont suffer from insanity i enjoy every minute of it

do not fear your enemies . the worst they can do is kill you . do not fear friends . at worst they may betray you . fear those who do not care ; they neither kill nor betray but betrayal and murder exist because of thier silent consent .

[This message has been edited by neomel (edited May 30, 2000).]

[gollum]

i like it.

*hug*

i'll say more when i'm not in such a mopey mood...

but it was really good.

-g